Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
