I wish my penis had an off switch
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
i think my cat just said my name.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
