As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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