There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Randomize
