I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
