There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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