It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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