I wish my penis had an off switch
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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