mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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