Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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