I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I'm always down for nudity.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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