Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
