Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
