i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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