Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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