I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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