"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
