roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
