dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
