im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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