i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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