Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
