Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
