I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
