When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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