Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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