Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
