I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
