Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
