Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
