When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
