somebody snuck up and got me drunk
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
