It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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