Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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