if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
