this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
