I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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