i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
