I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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