Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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