u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
