It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
