I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I just googled if crying burns calories
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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