You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
