Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
