Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
