I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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