There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
you inspire me to be a worse person
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
