I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
