Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
