Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
